That's all I want...

As I write now, I am stepping out of my comfort zone of ignorance and simplicity into the constantly aggravating zone of reality and complexity.

A number of issues are plaguing my mind yet again. I am worried about my future.  I am always worried about how I’’ handle a given situation or handle a challenge. My latest worry is what will I research in masters? When I find no answer, I worry whether I have chosen the wrong career? Then, I become hopeess and lose all interest in all that I do! There was a time when I genuinely enjoyed studying everything, even PP plant. But when the concepts become too difficult to understand, I just lose all hope instead of trying harder. And my outlook becomes so negative.

Then another worry, what if I don’t get the visa? Perhaps I should leave the job after getting it? But, do I really want to continue with the job ? Frankly the answer is neither yes nor no. The job has really not got on my nerves till now that I am desperate to leave it. If I really want to study it, I can adjust. Will there be not anything in this world which I would love to do absolutely. Perhaps there will not be. You develop a sense of belonging and clarity over a period. That is there.

So, looking at the larger picture, I believe I should give the best to what  I have in hand. Study well and research. Try to become master of a trade. Try to love doing it. Give my best and stop worrying abt. things I cannot control and work on things I can. With hard work one can move mountains. And if I don’t get this, then I do not want to return to reliance and waste precious time of life in things that benefits none. My primary purpose to make a career was not for money but to do something of value, something substantial. Working on an innovative technology, developing  a creative idea, perhaps, making  a difference in this process. I want to do masters because I want to ADD VALUE  to myself. I want to do things which can make me better in various facets. Life is too short to worry about the trivialities of what if not ??! If things do not happen in a certain way, its for the good. It perhaps takes you closer to what you really want to do. So stop brooding start acting for a new beginning!

Perspectives - Try new and the world will be different !

14^th March 2013

I feel in peace with myself today. I feel that no matter what happens tomorrow, it will be for the good and I’ll find my way towards what I seek. A lot of things have changed since yesterday, mainly my perspective. I met Nithya after a long time yesterday. We spoke about a lot of things. She told me many stories – of Shankar, radhika, sai sir and hers too. I will remember these for a long time , I believe. And more than that, I ll remember the lesson all of this taught me. That do not always udge people from ur point of view. Step out and try to think from their perspective. If you cannot, remember that everyone has their own story. One can make people realise their mistake, or just forgive them for it . Life is too small to hold grudges and end relations over trivial issues. One should know that one has flaws too.

I had an issue with nithya, with radhika and so many others. I blamed them, made myself the drama queen. And just gave a fancy lecture and left them. I did not give anybody a second chance. I never tried to stick with them, understand or reform them. I did the easiest thing of leaving them. I have no right to act like the wronged . I have total control of who and how people can affect me ? I love sympathising with myself, that’s the truth.

Sid was right. Even if you don’t like a person, don’t go all out and hate them. You really don’t know what they are going through. And, never expect a person to behave the way you want. Life does not revolve around you. When things peeve you, step out of your skin, look at the problem in a detached state and then evaluate your stand.

Meeting Nitya made me realise one more thing we forget in the onslaught of the moving world. Do what you love and live life king size. One should not get intimidated by whats bigger and better. What another is doing ! One should do that which gives one pleasure and excitement. Insecurity arises when you are afraid of losing a title, a possession. But when you do something you love, it will stay with you. Like a true lover. Like life to a living soul.